Sing Anyway

I had my 3rd  and final FEC chemo last week. I have been building this one up as the halfway point and the turning point. I did not feel sick this time but I do feel ill. The physical process of getting the chemo into my veins is beginning to hurt. My veins have moved from something I never gave any thought to whatsoever to the thing I worry about the most.

My body and arms ache and I feel that this treatment is beginning to make its mark on me. My veins are bruised and red. I feel emotional just now. It feels really hard but I know I have to keep moving forward with it. There is no choice.

I started an art class two weeks ago and that has been cathartic. I am thinking about the things that I love and being connected to life beyond. The flowers, the grass, the earth, the trees, the harvest and the sky. Two weeks ago these were clear in my mind. Five days after chemo and I am able to walk round the fields but feel exhausted afterwards and I have to remind myself that these are the important things. That I need to get through this to get to the other side where there is life and colour and energy.

I have been trying to engage in life with mindfulness but recovering from chemo is a barrier and I am still not strong enough to get over it. I will feel better soon but it seems to take longer and I don’t feel as robust as I did.

It’s a bit of a low point. I am treading a kind of line between pain and fear. I understand how difficult it would now to go through this and then for the cancer to come back. It’s hard even if you know it’s a means to an end, but if it is just the end then that’s a whole different level beyond what I know.

I will be ready for the next chemo because that’s what I have to do. I don’t cry much but I feel weighed down by the misery of this horrible experience. I wish I could find something better to say, a better song but for now this is all I have.

 

 

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